Oh, now, this just seems unfair! Most boring sex partners of the zodiac? Is that even possible? Well, it sure is, and if you want to know who’s a royal snooze in the sack, then you’ve come to the right place.
There are several factors that would make a person boring in bed, and these factors would have to be universally agreed upon because not everybody has the same tastes. And even your horoscope can get things wrong from time to time.
I suppose if your dream lover is someone who lies there like they’re a dead body, you’re either a necrophiliac or you’ve hit the jackpot in snoozed-out sex partners. However, to most, the disinterested party is the one we’d all consider boring. I mean, we want our partners at least faking it, don’t we?
And oh yes, some will fake it. But that doesn’t make them boring — that makes them players of the game. Hey, at least they’re trying. But what about those who just want to get it over with? You know, the ones who you know are just dying to get back to the TV so they can binge out on “Two Broke Girls” or “Lock-Up”.
That glazed-over look in their eyes as you’re about to take them to new heights… of boredom? That’s not an orgasm they’re about to have, that’s the look of them tuning you out on all levels. Yeah, you’re that worthwhile to them.
So, sexually, who’s a snooze, according to the zodiac?
The Most Boring Zodiac Signs In Bed
1. Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Oh, it’ll be somewhat fine in the beginning. Yeah, yeah, you’ll almost get the impression that they like whatever it is you’re doing. You may even get away with having some self-confidence… until, of course, you realize that for every pelvic thrust, there’s an equal and opposite reaction.
As in, Geminis got other stuff on their minds. Better stuff. Better stuff than sex with you, that’s for sure.
2. Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Before the grand events begin, it’s all talk. Then once the action starts, Cancer will not only keep on talking, but they’ll probably want you to commit to paper your feelings and emotions so that the sexual act is validated as something made of pure, devoted love.
Forget sex — this zodiac sign wants a contract that goes beyond the grave. Cancer will bore you with their neediness, and even during the throes of passion, you’ll get that nagging feeling that if you don’t die during the act, then you’ll never escape their clutch.
Cancer will bore you to death with their neediness.
3. Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Because no one in the history of the planet has ever courted feelings of inadequacy during sex (snark), Virgo’s ceaseless disappointment over whatever it is you’ve brought to the table (or the bedroom, in this case) will get you over sex with a Virgo so fast, you’ll be crawling on the floor just to get over to safe ground — like the bathroom, or even better, a closet.Any closet.
In fact, just hide in the closet and masturbate; you’ll be so much better off.
4. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Sorry, Sag. You may be a fire sign but you’re one of the most boring sex partners of the zodiac. Sag is better in the seduction department. They’re hella good at getting you to “do things” but when it’s actually time to do those things, like Elvis, Sagittarius has already left the auditorium.
Sag enjoys sex better as a mental state; once the pants fall down, the mind says “bye-bye.”
5. Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Snore. If you’re into actually being paid attention to, then hooking up with a Capricorn probably won’t do you much good. These lovers are so dull that you’ll question your sanity as to why you’re actually even in the bed with them. Oh, they do enjoy sex, but not with you.
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They enjoy someone else, while they’re with you, in their mind. Yes, they fantasize about others while with you and that can become pretty dang boring after a while.
6. Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll be so intimidated by Pisces and not for all the hot reasons one might want to be scared for. Oh, the first few go-rounds might be fun, until the crying upon orgasm happens… then the crying during intercourse happens… then the crying during foreplay happens.
It’s manipulative, a turn-off, and boring enough to just want to pass on the whole theatrical endeavor.
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Ruby Miranda has been practicing I Ching, Tarot, Runes, and Astrology since childhood. She gives private readings and has been working as an intuitive reader for over 20 years. Follow her on Twitter.